I'm fine, thanks.

"Every thought is a battle.

Every breath is a war.

And I don't think I'm winning anymore."

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. We are quite close. On a gloomy evening, I heard her sobbing. I approached her and asking if she's okay. 

"I'm not fine, thanks."

"Alright. Tell me if you need anything."

To be frank, I'm not good at comforting people. 

***

Later that night, she asked me if I'm busy cause she feels like venting her emotions. 

"Sometimes I feel so lonely despite surrounded by people. It feels like no one understands me. I slowly develop negative thoughts like "people suck", "I hate everyone" etc. I know this is unhealthy. But I find no ways to let the thoughts go. So, it stays. It completely destroys me physically and mentally. I started to push people away and at the same time observing whether people care about me or not. Yes, nobody cares. I convinced myself that at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. 

I think it's fair for people not to be with me when I'm at my lowest. I never stick around them whenever they have problems. So it's fair though." 

"It feels like no one understand me." It hits me. 

"I always think that I'm never good enough. I feel worthless. I feel like I should be gone. But why am I still here? I question my existence every single day. I don't wanna be here anymore. Everyone sucks", she lowered her voice. 

I remain silent. I'm speechless. She's a cheerful person. As far as I know everyone likes her. She's witty, easy-going. I remember she puts a caption on her instagram, "2019 is the best year ever!" She's  really good at hiding her pain. I feel sorry for her. She doesn't deserve to feel this pain. 

"I'm tired of living. I don't wanna go through this depressing journey anymore. Every single day I wish I do not wake the next day. What's the point of living if no one cares about you?" 

Heavy tears streamed down her face. I can see she's trying to look away. But I can see her swollen eyes through her hairs. I hugged her. I was lost for words. I pray to god she doesn't take her life. I kept telling her that she's not alone. I'm always here for her. 

That night, she told me that she's been struggling with a lot of stuff. Her body image, insecurities etc. It affects her mental and physical so bad. Now it's clear about the meds she takes before going to sleep. 

A few days later, I saw her laughing loudly with her friends. She caught me looking at her. She smiled. I can see sadness through her eyes. It's true that we never know what someone's going through or what they're struggling with. 

Thank you for sharing what you feel. Thank you for trusting me. I know it ain't easy to tell people your problems.