Loneliness

Lately it seems, I've lost inspiration,

It feels like it's miles away,

I sleep through the day, 

And cry through the night time I'm caught in an empty space. 

It was 1 am. The place was dark and gloomy. From the outside, it looked like an abandoned place. I bet no one would dare to enter here. No one ever wish to be here. 

I stood alone in front of the elevator waiting to go to level 4. Ting. The door of the elevator opened. My hands and legs were shaking. My heart felt as heavy as stone. But I didn't know why I was still there. I pressed the button "4". When I was at level 4, the situation was completely different from the outside. It was no longer quiet. There were a lot of people at this level. People were shouting and crying. It was terrible. I could feel the pain in their screams. I sat on a chair near the counter observing the situation.

Takes effort to find I don't have strength, 

I'm holding on to what's still left of me.

A girl in her 20s wearing a light green outfit approached me out of the blue, "Hey, may I sit here?". I nodded. " I've never seen you before. What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you afraid of these people?". I knew that she was just trying to scare me. I am not afraid of them at all. We're all same. I was too tired to answer so I ignored her. We sat in silence for like maybe 10 minutes watching those people. A few people tried to calm them down.

"Have you ever thought of suicidal? Have you thought about ending your life because you think you're better off dead? Have you ever felt helpless because your world is falling apart?".Wow. I was speechless. I was pretty sure she noticed my quizzical expression. She lowered down her voice, "Do you hear all the screams here? I thought all the screams help me to get rid of this loneliness. But it doesn't. My soul is empty."

I was totally confused. I wanted to know more about her, this place and those people. I could see tears filled her sad eyes. "I want to get out of here. I want to feel loved. Most of the time, I am tired of being me." Her voice was shaking. "But I know being outside doesn't solve my problems. No one understands my journey, my struggles that I've to go through everyday. These feelings won't change. I feel numb". She shut her eyes off thinking of the next words. "I have been struggling with this pain since I was 16. I felt isolated when I was in school. I locked up myself all day and all night when I got back home. All I did was crying. Most of the time, I felt like staying in bed, not wanting to get up. I didn't know whether or not people around me noticed my strange behaviour."

"Did you try asking for anyone's help?" I finally said something. She was a lil bit surprised. "I told you earlier that no one would understand me. If I tell them, what can they do about it? I'm afraid that they would judge me. I'm afraid they would think I'm seeking for attention. They aren't in my shoes. Plus, the feeling is unexplainable. I cannot put my thoughts into words. At this moment, I'm struggling to tell you what's going on in my head. Back to your question, yeah, I tried to reach for help though."

I tried to digest her words. I didn't expect she would tell me what's going on. Yeah, I was still confused but I got it. Her loneliness brought her to this place. "But what makes you alive....." I wanted to ask more but she was already gone. Where'd she gone?

Cause I will still be holding on, 

To anything worth holding on. 

Suddenly, I had a massive headache. The surrounding turned into black. What's going on? I woke up from my bed feeling anxious. I swallowed hard. I had difficulties in breathing. I felt suffocated. I checked my phone and it was 1 am. I couldn't exactly remember what has happened. But all I remember was talking to someone who looked just like me. 

Your heart is beyond repair,

When you wake up and no one's there,

When your home consists of only you,

Is there anything worth holding on?